Star g'AJ'ing

[Disclaimer: No disrespect to any historic character, (even if it is)living or (luckily)dead]


GET THIS FACT RIGHT, Bollywood never does a good job of depicting history. True there are some good movies made on the modern period but somehow history has never been the strong point of Bollywood. I have no clue why, we always do a very bad job there. I am not surprised that Jodhaa Akbar turned out poor, the cast was enough to tell what’s about to come. Went to see vignettes from Mughal royal life!!! BUT DISAPPOINTED!!!


MY BIGGEST WORRY IS. Why can’t Bollywood get over this guy-loves-girl center plot. Gowarikar had the opportunity to make a great movie by taking the Jodha part out and instead portraying the life and reign of perhaps the most powerful man in Medieval Indian History. He totally called it wrong. I had faith in him after massive hit=LAGAAN and moderate SWADES!! Now it looks he is getting back to his OLD SELF of Stupid BAAZI and PEHLA NASHA days!! Here he has attempted a school drama with a STUPENDOUS BUDGET!!!

I am afraid...RONNIE SCREWALA, Producer..... might really get SCREWED!! Anyways its gonna be part of the history too... lol

Because, I JUST DONT WANNA SAY "But for Indian standards, it was good". By saying that you submit to the fact that we are capable of making only average movies. We are like that only. No no no. At this day and age, we do not have any disadvantage. So, lets not make any excuses. You have the best TECHINCIANS and FACILITIES.. Its a bit a of research and Preparation in terms of WHAT AUDIENCE expects from you, that you have work on!!!....

The MOVIE is well made on some parts... ON THE WHOLE it LACKS SUBSTANCE. I had only QUESTIONS( stupid they may seem) during this LONGEST EPIC..:(

why does the Empress of India always sit on bare floors whether in the dining hall/bedroom/wherever? where the hell are those famed Persian rugs? why not even plastic chairs in the Emperor of India’s courts? why are all conspiracy (security/familial) issues discussed in diwan-e-aam? why does the Emperor negotiate with a rebel in a way that reminds you of Indian PMO? why so many stray people in the Emperor’s bedroom? why does no royal go to sleep in comfortable nightwear?And How the hell do you see a pile of potatoes in the royal kitchen. I thought potatoes came in India during Jehangir’s time and not before. But then, it was not meant to be a history lesson, but pure entertainment...

Some good performance here n there!! Powerful Hrithik to Plastic Ash (O boy, what was she doing in dat white Ninja get up!!??? "Tere Salwar Mein Mera Talwar" kind of scene" "elephant taming...:P" And some gorgeous cinematography eg: when akbar return to amer fort. The battle scene doesnt attract much.. Rather I will see TROY again.... But some Urdu lines were great ( I hope I understood some atleast:D)

Ila arun is superb, Shotgun sinha's wife can't act... HEMU looked straight out from Bhojpuri flick sets...

TWO WORDS ABOUT MUSIC::
AR REHMAN Disappointed!!! One good track was "KHWAJA MERE KHWAJA".. Alas, this was killed by Ashu's picturization Cos Akbar actually joins the dancers!! :( All I had was POPCORN in my hands " Popcorn khaaja re khaaja" i the mind...:(

Rehman could have made it interesting by adding two songs from my choice...
When an angry Jodhaa drops a purdah in front of Akbar, HE SHOULD HAVE RATHER SUNG "Purdah nashin ko be-purdaah na kar doon to, Akbar mera naam nahin hain"??????? ..

And as my friend pointed out the theme of the whole movie was about AKBAR the great getting LAID.... Rehman could have used "WOULD U GONNA BED WID ME???" ... but thank god AR never lifts any tunes for free!!...

And thanks again for introducing that new voice of Javed ali in "IN LAMHON"..... He surely may REPLACE SONU NIGAM Soon...:D
BUT LUCKILY WE SHOULD THANK ASHU FOR NOT SIGNING HIMESH RESHAMMIYA THE GREAT!!! for doing music... He would have had his FAMOUS QAWWALI with lovely lyrics "I love you O Sayyoni...... Koi shaq?"!!!! AKBAR Would have got RID of Faizi/TANSEN etc and placed this fellow in his COURT ( naah, not HAREM :P) for ever!!!

And This movie is noway closer to K.Asif's "Mugal-E-Azam"... it can only be claimed "PAAGAL-E-AZAM!!" which ends up giving Bahadur shah zafar's ending to the great Akbar through this movie... :D

It looks like Hrithik wanted this film desperately... Among SHEHENSHAH/BAADSHAH war of the Bollywood stars for the No.1 position, he has calmed down himslef by calling AZEEM-o-SHAAN SHEHENSHAAH==AKBAR tHE GREAT"..... Khud ka naam ROSHAN jo karna tha!!!!

Anyways where are the war veterans like JP.DUTTA saab??? what if Panipat is over??? there is more still... battle of runnthambore, ruckus tangadi....And heroes like LANGDA TAIMUR..... Come right ON!!! you can do it....:DDDD

rating: **

NOT A REVIEW : U wont find the story line….Just a few inconsequential and a few witty remarks and puns …. “Saawariya” was assault of the senses…. Bas aur kuch nahi..
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WHO DOSTOEVSKY…??? I don’t know him… And I donno why sanjay chose this as well… “short story about loneliness and longing”..oh my god… how true, I was so lonely and longing for this movie to end…somehow… I keep saying I am YAWN…. BORING….. But trust me, I will change that…. Sanjay SHOULD put this henceforth… ‘I am a director in the class of Satyajit Ray, Bimal Roy’ pretenders get my goat every time… And I find another work of Mr.Dostovesky titled..”THE IDIOT”… is it a pure coincidence that I chose to call SANJAY the same for making this utterly boring movie..????

Sometime back there was some research in one of UK universities, where one guy tried to PUT some people into sleep with their eyes open, LOUD music and flashy lights.. I donno if he got success in his research BUT SANJAY MANAGED this very well.. I saw people going out … I got my sleep in between as well… ( I am not the kind who walks out of a movie hall, paise maine bhare hain yaar…:O) And you thought I sat through this rubbish for your sake!?!I would be jesus christ of the blog-world. And I need highest civilian award Some SHAURYA CHAKRA atleast for going thru this hrs of pain…:P)

There is nothing In the movie.. NOT EVEN A SINGLE MOMENT OF BLISS… period… Sure he gives us plenty of shots of gondolas awash in blue-green light,…. The movie is totally a dream sequence… all BLUE lights here n there… So its Sanjay’s first eva BLUE FILM Making him SANJAY "NEELA" BHANSALI…. Sometime back he directed BLACK..then I had named him SANJAY "KAALA" BHANSALI… Now what next…? Peela.. :(( Now the worst nightmare is that, I heard he is shooting Bajirao wid Ash-Abhi… OHHH GODDDD NOOOOOOO….. Man, even the idea sounds blasphemous…

He was GENTLEST director, who used to make his women GIGGLE, run madly all over the set, flash/flutter eyelids,…hysterical outbursts, and other histrionics, silly games of SHOOT kinds ( HDDCS) etc…. Ok, so far so good… But whats with Bath towel fantasy song of the male protagonist…??? “jab se tere naina “’ Ohh gawddd…. The same day OSO was releasing and SR”Gay” had 6 packs to show.. Bhansali wanted to make a better debut for Ranbir… he managed to show “2 EXTRA PACKS on the BACK”.. :P

Just one thought crossed my mind… He shouldn’t have ALREADY done That SONG for hum dil DCS….”kaaacha kaaacha …nimbooooda laaye do” would have been better suited here… :D.. BUTTT what a debut, this Ranbir guy got… even salman/hrithik/shahid didn’t do all this much of SKIN show at all… :)) (Even RAJ KAPOOR Who had shown his women so SENSUOUSLY with artistic oomph, must NOT have thought (fohget Lolo/Bebo) his khaandani puttar has to show SKIN like this.. ;O

No Tribute, nothing… Bhansali has just shown his LOYALTY to KAPOOR’s of film industry. Though Sonam has nice screen presence, she should be thankful that ANY TRACES OF ANIL KAPOOR is not there on her back ( I had written about “Baal ki dukaan” Sanjay and Anil kapoor earlier and sonam gives enough glimpses of her back) :P.. so this leggie lass can carry those low back cholis an long lehengas while running around the sets… Salman… the guy appears for hardly 10 minutes… and then goes in hibernation .. SAKINA keeps waiting for him till the end.. I think Salman was TOO BUSY ATTENDING COURTS and JAILS…lol.

Rani… well she is brilliant… But ..ENOUGH maan… “Trying the same thing again and again, And expecting different results is INSANITY”… Its her third film in a row as a PROSTITUTE… gosh, “The Rising. Laaga chunari mein Dhaag…and now this” HAT-TRICK…..nevertheles, she does justice…

Sanjay may say “It is an abstract piece of art!! Use of colours and sounds to denote the emotions in the movie. It is unreal but that was what it was supposed to be, an timeless and spaceless tale.” Etc.. etc… But sorry boss, I don’t think so, Audience don’t think so, critics have slammed the movie.. Only people WHO MUST HAVE PRAISED this COULD be Insomniac lot… alas….. I hope SONY recovers some of its money.. Monty’s Music may help it a bit…. But still its is pale compared to compositions of Ismail Durbar… Samiir’s lyrics are so predictable,neways… deewana/begaana/naaina/rab etc etc ..He only recycles these words , :P

Khamoshi was a better movie of this Vidhu Vinod chopra assistant…. He started selling dreams later on (but movie making skills only degenerated). Inspite of allegations like DIRECTOR OF CLASS/HUMAN EMOTION PORTRAYALs etc. etc he is mere an ART director..he feels to make crafty or arty cinema one has to become an ‘art director’ and has been designing his landscapes, huge buildings and color co-ordinated sets.. In this attempt the SORROW of Devdas will be missing and he killed Devdas to its core by his megalomaniac ideas. Hum dil de was OK..Ok cos I have fond memories of that movie and music. :P Simply put, overt melodrama, really bawdy sets etc. were at check before Sanjay came into movies, I must say… Same for Black as well. Excpet for some remarkable performances the movie was dull… But if I say this I will be castigated as a demon (How can you not like Black!, You are an insensitive monster)

Anyways to wrap it up… We should understand and agree that “our filmmaking skills are pathetic. Films are being made as an ego and money boosting exercises.” So, its our choice is to which movie to watch and which one lot… I stand by my 3.5 ratings for OSO after watching Saawariya.. :P atleast Farah says “all you can expect is a MASALA movie, unlike Sanjay’s “artistic senstivities of the Indian audience is taken care of” MY FOOT…. “BOSSSSSSS REFUNDDDDDDD X-(“

My Ra(n)tings *(1/2)

Disc: I am not review person… jiski marji hai usko jaake dekhna chahiye.. but I can always write what liked/disliked in it… so here it goes!!!!
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Farah as a entertainer, I have always liked. She wid bro sajid are laugh riots.. total chilled out. And she is more like a MAN (pun intended, cos she is pregnant with 3 kids right now). And I was sure, this would not be one tear jerker/kerchief free kinda movie.. or joharseque outta world richer than life/Romantic journeys and not even OH SO BORING realistic cinemaaas….. so Sharukh was just passé.. this was a good reason for me to watch this Deepika starrer :D

(Infact Seeing Shrukh I had thought of a better name for the movie as well… “OHM shah-aunty OHM”. Blame my RESISTANCE to his over the top acting skills and Sharukh and farah aunty!!! :P )

This is film is about films… and our sharukh plays 70 junior artist. I have agreed,that sharukh doesn’t act, but over-acts.. And HE WILL BE THE BEST , IF this is what his role demands.. So Full marks to of his overaction as a junior artist Om-Prakash Makhija..

Movie has nice humor ( keechataani of yester year heroes-look-alikes). Manoj Kumar scene or “maaaynd it” rajani style!! is also good… Shreyas has done his job neatly as Pappu and Kirron acted very well as his Om’s mother.!!

Waise, there are many who come n go in this movie, right from Dharam paaji to vishal dadlani…. Certainly Sharukh didn’t need them TO SELL The movie.. It was just to make the others agree that He is a SUPERSTAR… :P

When people direct sharukh or farah choreographs,They need Swizz locales/foreign locations to shoot… but here story is different.. They haven’t even shot much in outdoors. Everything happens on THE GREAT SETS of “O-S-O” created by Sabu Cyril… However Cinematographer Manikandan has NOT Much of work here.. :(

There is not much in the story.. U must be out of ur mind to even think that there cld be some story.. :P When all the directors are giving their tributes to Coppola/Quentin tarantino…Farah decided to give a tribute to yester-year super-director MANMOHAN DESAI…and same time there is a rehash of Subhash Ghai’s “KARZ” plot as well… Mr.Ghai and Rishi Kapoor have returned the favor by their presence in the movie.. And Mr.Desai must be smiling from heaven….:)

Well, Arjun Rampal is a revelation. He has acted brilliantly as a baddy. And talk about Deepika’s Hindi debut (cos she acted already in a kannada movie). Well she has better screen prsenece. I was sad after Aishwarya got married. But the VOID is filled by Deepika, I must say…. Not goin to watch sawariya now.. I have made my mind and choice!!… :))

Must tell you something bout the music. Vishal-Shekhar have dunnit again.. they have done justice to 70s and 07 as well. All good numbers one different from other!!.

My pick was infact “Main Gar kahoon”… I guess Vishal shekhar were inspired!!. Cos the song just sounds “Devara KaNNu” (kannada) song—“Ninna neenu maretarenu sukhavide….!!” And “Sandeep chowta’s “Aasmaan kehataaye rab se…” both the songs are superimposed to form Main agar kahoon.. And the result is melodious… Javed saab lyrics is just apt... And so is Raahat's Punjabi song ( lyrics which I forgot :P)

And so is Dard-e-disco….naah, NOT for sharukh’s 6-Pack-Abs.. ( well, what was the need for sharukh’s 6Packs-adventures now after 16 yrs in this industry….??? :-S)

And this is the second half of the movie… And in that shah-rukh comes again as current superstar.. and he has a phobia of AAG ( fire)…. Naah, NOT TRIGGERED BY Ram Gopal Verma’s recent title and its SAD Show at Box office…

There comes a Jaan-Jaani_janardhan kinda Filmfare party where STARS descend.. I was happy seeing my favorites Arbaaz/Tusshar/Mithun Da and Sanju as well… :P

Well, the movie is good… I liked the Climax which was narrated by a SONG reminding (Ek hasina thi from karz) Shaan is amazing as eva!!…. Its come nicely… And bhai udhar THE END nahi hota hai…. I guess this could be a BLOCKBUSTER movie… Cos mere bhai, JAB KOI DIL SE CHATA HAI, TU POORA KAAYNAT USKO HAASIL KARNE MEIN Help karti hai ( the whole world conspires to enable this dream)…. TRUE for this movie atleast…. :))

By the way, anybody trying to give Prakash Mehra a tribute…????? Remake Sharabi please… Shakti kapoor ke dates free hai…. =))…
(Ps: Man-mohan desai said only A MARD can do a MARD and… only a SHARABI a SHARABI)

Ps: Don’t miss the “Movie Titles Rolling”…Farah is funny and Unique in her movies where she gives credits to her team (including spot boys) and keeps The SPIRIT of TEAM EFFORT up..Amen!!!

My RA(N)TINGs: ***(1/2)